I am in agony, afflicted by my emotions and constant struggles that I can not even feel the throbbing pain that continues to take its place in my existence. A torture path with so many thorns. I am tormented by my reality, a hidden reality that continues to be hidden. I live in two. One where I wish to be and one where I wish I could integrate it into the other. Every time I hear it, I inhale. I stop breathing for a few seconds because I am afraid I am going to hear the same thing again. I am afraid of entering it, because it has become a pattern. I feel suffocated, I can not breathe, and discomfort by my surrounding. I try to not let the wave drown me but it becomes harder as time passes by. My emotions, my reality, my thoughts, almost everything seems like a burden. It’s burdensome talking about it, burdensome to keep a hope that somebody would want to deal with it. I find myself ridiculous and stupid. Hope just seems exhausting, and an overbearing term for everything. I want to smack her, make her see how pathetic she looks, how she has let them take control over her life and soul, I hate the sound of her pathetic cries, weak, whimpering like a pathetic human being who has nothing more to do than whine about how this set of unit treated her bad. I hate her sound of cries, I wish she would smile and be how she used to be. How hard is it going to be for you to just smile and see you have something to take care of? I am sick of it. I am tired of praying and hoping that one day she will be how she used to be. My heart is aching from so much pain. It’s like it’s going to explode. Tears dropping from my eyes as I write this. How much I wish I don’t ever wake up. I wonder if anyone would care. I wonder if I don’t wake-up, would she be happy that I am finally gone? Probably, will be happy. She already hates my guts. A disease in this household that’s spreading consistently throughout. I wonder how far will it spread before everyone gives up or has it enough.
Hyperventilating, shaking, uncontrollable cries
Sensation of dying, the need to escape
Darkness cloudy my mind, vision, soul, and world
Deterioration of thoughts, emotions, and ruptures
Empty words, empty promises, & liars
Hypocrites, fabricator, & mocker
A beautiful darkness, a hell created by itself
Drowning or dying from thirst?
Burning or dying from starvation?
Shredded hopes and future
Maturity and strength taught by the failures and betrayal’s
Inability to stand in its own existence, feelings, & perspective
Unraveling of self-destructive thoughts, empty dark thoughts
Mangled people are treacherous
Even hell feel like a home
And bitter gourd will start to taste like a sweet, delicious candy.
For them, rather than loving, it’s more difficult to believe.
Masks its emotions like wearing a black veil
Hidden pain with a beautiful smile and strength of an emperor penguins
Silence is beautiful, yet rigorous
A journey like an endless tunnel with no sign of light
Dark path like a blinded person vision
Every breath, every word, every thought, every goal feels like a never-ending battle
Not a choice, but a duty
Not a choice, but a commitment
Not a choice, but an obligation
Not a choice, but a fidelity
Has walked the same path as me
Smile of a cageless bird
Essence’s of rose petal
Chainless yet tied down
Mature yet childish
Voice of Doubts inside her head
Smart, but lets her insecurities get in the way
Confident yet shy
Few words, but wisdom behind those words
Headstrong yet compliant
Strength in her actions, vulnerability in her emotions
Fearless yet reserved
Sensitive yet resilient
Essence’s of honesty conveyed graciously
Thoughtful and refined attitude
Beauty in her sense of fashion
Aesthetic energy and spirit
In-depth and simplicity
Expressions that speak to you
Calm like waves of ocean
Brings vibes of positivity and aliveness to a life
Shut’s down like a broken wing
Trying to escape the life that’s given but tied by chain’s made of emotions
Simplicity in her words and clothes
Burdened by her feelings but continues to grasp for hope
A canon that will explode anytime
Protective, attentive, and patient
Lost in her own mind like the depth of the ocean
Carries an ability that plants it seed’s of understanding
Honesty like a bitter gourd
Improves your life like a functional technology
Broken yet brave
Gentle yet strong
A one and only
Resilient at the broken places
A lesson that’s unforgettable and toughest to let go of
Energy that’s worth of time
A language with different version of life
A perspective with courageous and beautiful experiences
A one and only
A flower that’s gentle to touch yet hardest to approach into
Value’s loyalty and faith
Friendship, flaws, non-judgemental
Pure and beautiful secrets that are held sacred
Love like a black rose
A one and only
Smile like a bird in flight
A balm that heals the wounds
A needle that mends the bridges
Silence that’s comfortable to ears and heart
Consistency in promises and warmth in her tone
A one and only
Our relation like no other
Understanding like a floating balloon and waves of the ocean
Trust like a purified liquid
Stubborn like a throbbing thorn
Apologize’s once a year like a full moon arrival
A one and only
Over the semester, I have learned a lot from the CT101 class. I have learned more interesting and exciting things in this class than I had in other classes. It might not relate to my career but it gave me knowledge on things that I can do as hobbies or use it as a way to relieve mental or emotional stress. I never took this class seriously at the beginning of the semester until it hit toward the mid-semester. I find it very therapeutic and helpful in certain aspects of my life. Not only I did not take this class as seriously but also my personal website, it was more like a decoration of a place that I do not consider my house. However, over the time period, I started to give attention to it and start putting in effort into my posts. Probably started around when I was really stressed out and wanted to do something, so I decided to use this website to type my thoughts out. I started typing and it never stopped. After continually doing that for a certain amount of time and knowing whatever I type is protected by a password made me officially decide to keep the website even after I am done with this class. I felt secure about my posts due to the password protection.
Learning how to create GIF’s and use Photoshop to mash different images to create a beautiful art piece, adjusting the pictures and using other alteration filters had brought a sense of excitement and curiosity to explore further. I created this GIF at the bottom which is of my favorite person, Zayn Malik which you already probably can tell by my website background. Using pixabay to create the technology project was very intriguing. Below the GIF, is my Zine project work which I am really proud of. My least exciting project might have been the DS106 project, probably because I was not as serious about this at that time. It was more like getting the assignment done. I probably would have a different opinion if I had to do it now, might be more enthusiastic if I did it now.
I remember that we had to have at least 15 posts by the end of the semester which I do. Since I did all of the work, projects, and have put a lot of effort in each of my posts, I believe I deserve A+ 👀 and I will be maintaining this website as I have already stated. I had so much fun in this class and the best professor who was very patient, passionate about what he teaches and answered all the question when asked. In addition, he always took his time in explaining, responding back and making sure that everyone understood. I think that’s the best thing to have and very rare to see.
This is the best class. I wish I had the choice to take it again.😩
Doubting yourself will only torture you mentally and emotionally, and will start to appear in your physical appearance when it’s enough. Everyone has a limit that should never be crossed because it will only make it worse and might end up at a certain point in life where you do not yourselves anymore or anyone else. Your soul will feel like it’s floating outside of your body. You are there but not really. Uncertainty is the poison that will destroy your future and present decisions. Rifts and misunderstanding in relationships. Always keep a smile but also take a check out meaning let yourselves heal rather than letting it consume you and your entire existence.
Show some love to yourself and others. Your smile and little things that you say might help make a huge difference in someone’s life. It does not cost any money, just some effort, little caring, the most important one being a human being.
Important to embrace the present and not to overthink about future. Do not doubts get between you and someone you care about. Your questions will be answered, enjoy the mysterious journey and let yourself relax and breath.
To let yourself breath, first learn to love yourself. You can not make your whole existence be about someone else until you have created your own. Do not mix it or else it will only destroy you. You are your own person. You have your own life and it does not belong to anyone but only to you. Heal your emotions and forgive. However, do not forget it takes time so do not put pressure on yourselves, if it’s taking forever to let go of the past, forgiving others, and healing yourselves. Start from loving yourselves by giving praises to yourself when you accomplished something or a treat for achieving that you have been trying for so long. It all takes time and there is nothing wrong with that. 🙃
Pictures That I Originally Chose For My First Image:
To start this project, I used these three pictures above using the Adobe Photoshop app. The picture with a girl was my main background picture. After using different Photoshop tools to alter the image the way I want it to be, I inserted the other two images which were also from Pixabay to create the full look. I used the adjustment tool for hue saturation and color balance, and the filter tool for swirls, texture, blurriness, glossy, and toolbox on the side to crop and delete the background of the first image.
The main concept of this image was to portray how technology can negatively impact someone’s mental health yet it can be positive at the same time considering the use of different bright colors in that swirl image which had a bunch of technical terms that are now invisible.
Original Pictures For My Second Image That I Chose:
Although, the project mentions to have at least three images, however, I decide to create more because of how therapeutic and enjoyable it is. The main reason is because of my friend, Samira, who is also in this class “CT101”. She showed me her final look for the project and I was amazed and fascinated by her picture. Due to that, I decided to recreate the look, the first one that I created was because it was a class assignment and I didn’t do with enthusiastic or willingly. However, seeing how creative and beautiful her was, I searched for more technology-based images from Pixabay.com since the project was based on that and chose these two images.
First, a thing that I did was adjust the image according to my idea. I wanted the background to be unpredictable. Technology can be empowering or a person’s downfall. I decided to use the second image because it gives positivity vibe even though the background seems negative due to its unpredictability yet little constructive. The colors of the background image are contradicting it’s real look in my opinion, unknown but could be a good unknown destination.
The trees in the cell phone represent how things can look positive but can take you to places where you might never have thought of which can be negative as you can see the person is giving off different vibes from the bright colors.
I used the color balance and hue saturation to contradict the message that the image is portraying about technology and life. I also used a lightening effect for the last image using a pink color tone.
I had a good time creating the second project look compare to the first one because of the vibe that I felt from it. I am proud of myself on how creative I was. I had a lot of fun creating it.
I was very stressed out about somethings lately. It wasn’t eustress, more like distress. I always let things that matter a lot to me control my emotions. I never thought that speaking about it helps, but my way of looking at it has changed. I learned that speaking to someone is really helpful only if you speak to someone who understands, who cares about you, knows what’s going on, and you have this emotional connection with that person. My sister was that person who gave me a mental and emotional relief. My mind felt more relaxed than it did a few days ago. One thing that caused more problem was that I always speak what’s on my mind and this gets me in a lot of trouble. It’s been like that almost half of my life so I tried changing it. Till today, I have never been able to change it because it’s part of who I am. And I can not change it. However, I can improve it. My honesty makes people hate me. I am that someone who is easy to be hated, harder to love.
I wanted to help someone, but I didn’t know the healthier way of doing it. So I did the way I could do. I never realized that you can not help someone who does not want to be helped. You can not change someone’s perspective if they are ignorant or have a fixed mindset. The only thing I did was hurt myself more and let it’s negativity impact my mental health. It’s good to give a try, but not to the point that it starts to affect you negatively.
I am happy. Happier than before. Writing helped me. I appreciate CT101. I am very thankful for taking this class.