I am in agony, afflicted by my emotions and constant struggles that I can not even feel the throbbing pain that continues to take its place in my existence. A torture path with so many thorns. I am tormented by my reality, a hidden reality that continues to be hidden. I live in two. One where I wish to be and one where I wish I could integrate it into the other. Every time I hear it, I inhale. I stop breathing for a few seconds because I am afraid I am going to hear the same thing again. I am afraid of entering it, because it has become a pattern. I feel suffocated, I can not breathe, and discomfort by my surrounding. I try to not let the wave drown me but it becomes harder as time passes by. My emotions, my reality, my thoughts, almost everything seems like a burden. It’s burdensome talking about it, burdensome to keep a hope that somebody would want to deal with it. I find myself ridiculous and stupid. Hope just seems exhausting, and an overbearing term for everything. I want to smack her, make her see how pathetic she looks, how she has let them take control over her life and soul, I hate the sound of her pathetic cries, weak, whimpering like a pathetic human being who has nothing more to do than whine about how this set of unit treated her bad. I hate her sound of cries, I wish she would smile and be how she used to be. How hard is it going to be for you to just smile and see you have something to take care of? I am sick of it. I am tired of praying and hoping that one day she will be how she used to be. My heart is aching from so much pain. It’s like it’s going to explode. Tears dropping from my eyes as I write this. How much I wish I don’t ever wake up. I wonder if anyone would care. I wonder if I don’t wake-up, would she be happy that I am finally gone? Probably, will be happy. She already hates my guts. A disease in this household that’s spreading consistently throughout. I wonder how far will it spread before everyone gives up or has it enough.

ükskõikne, адвольны, און καθαρός

Hyperventilating, shaking, uncontrollable cries

Sensation of dying, the need to escape

Darkness cloudy my mind, vision, soul, and world

Deterioration of thoughts, emotions, and ruptures

Empty words, empty promises, & liars

Hypocrites, fabricator, & mocker

A beautiful darkness, a hell created by itself

Drowning or dying from thirst?

Burning or dying from starvation?

Shredded hopes and future

Maturity and strength taught by the failures and betrayal’s

Inability to stand in its own existence, feelings, & perspective

Unraveling of self-destructive thoughts, empty dark thoughts

Mangled people are treacherous

Even hell feel like a home

And bitter gourd will start to taste like a sweet, delicious candy.

For them, rather than loving, it’s more difficult to believe.

Masks its emotions like wearing a black veil

Hidden pain with a beautiful smile and strength of an emperor penguins

Silence is beautiful, yet rigorous

A journey like an endless tunnel with no sign of light

Dark path like a blinded person vision

Every breath, every word, every thought, every goal feels like a never-ending battle

Not a choice, but a duty

Not a choice, but a commitment

Not a choice, but an obligation

Not a choice, but a fidelity



Has walked the same path as me

Smile of a cageless bird

Essence’s of rose petal

Chainless yet tied down

Mature yet childish

Voice of Doubts inside her head

Smart, but lets her insecurities get in the way

Confident yet shy

Few words, but wisdom behind those words

Headstrong yet compliant

Strength in her actions, vulnerability in her emotions

Fearless yet reserved

Sensitive yet resilient

Essence’s of honesty conveyed graciously

Thoughtful and refined attitude

Beauty in her sense of fashion

Aesthetic energy and spirit

In-depth and simplicity

Expressions that speak to you

Calm like waves of ocean

Brings vibes of positivity and aliveness to a life

Shut’s down like a broken wing

Trying to escape the life that’s given but tied by chain’s made of emotions

Simplicity in her words and clothes

Burdened by her feelings but continues to grasp for hope

A canon that will explode anytime

Protective, attentive, and patient

Lost in her own mind like the depth of the ocean



Carries an ability that plants it seed’s of understanding

Honesty like a bitter gourd

Improves your life like a functional technology

Broken yet brave

Gentle yet strong

A one and only

Resilient at the broken places

A lesson that’s unforgettable and toughest to let go of

Energy that’s worth of time

A language with different version of life

A perspective with courageous and beautiful experiences

A one and only

A flower that’s gentle to touch yet hardest to approach into

Value’s loyalty and faith

Friendship, flaws, non-judgemental

Pure and beautiful secrets that are held sacred

Love like a black rose

A one and only

Smile like a bird in flight

A balm that heals the wounds

A needle that mends the bridges

Silence that’s comfortable to ears and heart

Consistency in promises and warmth in her tone

A one and only

Our relation like no other

Understanding like a floating balloon and waves of the ocean

Trust like a purified liquid

Stubborn like a throbbing thorn

Apologize’s once a year like a full moon arrival

A one and only


🤓Final Blog Post Submission👀😎💻

Over the semester, I have learned a lot from the CT101 class. I have learned more interesting and exciting things in this class than I had in other classes. It might not relate to my career but it gave me knowledge on things that I can do as hobbies or use it as a way to relieve mental or emotional stress. I never took this class seriously at the beginning of the semester until it hit toward the mid-semester. I find it very therapeutic and helpful in certain aspects of my life. Not only I did not take this class as seriously but also my personal website, it was more like a decoration of a place that I do not consider my house. However, over the time period, I started to give attention to it and start putting in effort into my posts. Probably started around when I was really stressed out and wanted to do something, so I decided to use this website to type my thoughts out. I started typing and it never stopped. After continually doing that for a certain amount of time and knowing whatever I type is protected by a password made me officially decide to keep the website even after I am done with this class. I felt secure about my posts due to the password protection.

Learning how to create GIF’s and use Photoshop to mash different images to create a beautiful art piece, adjusting the pictures and using other alteration filters had brought a sense of excitement and curiosity to explore further. I created this GIF at the bottom which is of my favorite person, Zayn Malik which you already probably can tell by my website background. Using pixabay to create the technology project was very intriguing. Below the GIF, is my Zine project work which I am really proud of. My least exciting project might have been the DS106 project, probably because I was not as serious about this at that time. It was more like getting the assignment done. I probably would have a different opinion if I had to do it now, might be more enthusiastic if I did it now.

I remember that we had to have at least 15 posts by the end of the semester which I do. Since I did all of the work, projects, and have put a lot of effort in each of my posts, I believe I deserve A+ 👀 and I will be maintaining this website as I have already stated. I had so much fun in this class and the best professor who was very patient, passionate about what he teaches and answered all the question when asked. In addition, he always took his time in explaining, responding back and making sure that everyone understood. I think that’s the best thing to have and very rare to see.

This is the best class. I wish I had the choice to take it again.😩

Unsure, Uncertainty, and Query

Doubting yourself will only torture you mentally and emotionally, and will start to appear in your physical appearance when it’s enough. Everyone has a limit that should never be crossed because it will only make it worse and might end up at a certain point in life where you do not yourselves anymore or anyone else. Your soul will feel like it’s floating outside of your body. You are there but not really. Uncertainty is the poison that will destroy your future and present decisions. Rifts and misunderstanding in relationships. Always keep a smile but also take a check out meaning let yourselves heal rather than letting it consume you and your entire existence.

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Show some love to yourself and others. Your smile and little things that you say might help make a huge difference in someone’s life. It does not cost any money, just some effort, little caring, the most important one being a human being.

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Important to embrace the present and not to overthink about future. Do not doubts get between you and someone you care about. Your questions will be answered, enjoy the mysterious journey and let yourself relax and breath.

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To let yourself breath, first learn to love yourself. You can not make your whole existence be about someone else until you have created your own. Do not mix it or else it will only destroy you. You are your own person. You have your own life and it does not belong to anyone but only to you. Heal your emotions and forgive. However, do not forget it takes time so do not put pressure on yourselves, if it’s taking forever to let go of the past, forgiving others, and healing yourselves. Start from loving yourselves by giving praises to yourself when you accomplished something or a treat for achieving that you have been trying for so long. It all takes time and there is nothing wrong with that. 🙃

The Cross College, Campus, Course ZINE Collab Project!

Pictures That I Originally Chose For My First Image:

To start this project, I used these three pictures above using the Adobe Photoshop app. The picture with a girl was my main background picture. After using different Photoshop tools to alter the image the way I want it to be, I inserted the other two images which were also from Pixabay to create the full look. I used the adjustment tool for hue saturation and color balance, and the filter tool for swirls, texture, blurriness, glossy, and toolbox on the side to crop and delete the background of the first image.

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“Technology Should Improve Your Life..Not Become Your Life” ~BILLY COX

The main concept of this image was to portray how technology can negatively impact someone’s mental health yet it can be positive at the same time considering the use of different bright colors in that swirl image which had a bunch of technical terms that are now invisible.

Original Pictures For My Second Image That I Chose:

Although, the project mentions to have at least three images, however, I decide to create more because of how therapeutic and enjoyable it is. The main reason is because of my friend, Samira, who is also in this class “CT101”. She showed me her final look for the project and I was amazed and fascinated by her picture. Due to that, I decided to recreate the look, the first one that I created was because it was a class assignment and I didn’t do with enthusiastic or willingly. However, seeing how creative and beautiful her was, I searched for more technology-based images from Pixabay.com since the project was based on that and chose these two images.

Adjustment of the two Images.

First, a thing that I did was adjust the image according to my idea. I wanted the background to be unpredictable. Technology can be empowering or a person’s downfall. I decided to use the second image because it gives positivity vibe even though the background seems negative due to its unpredictability yet little constructive. The colors of the background image are contradicting it’s real look in my opinion, unknown but could be a good unknown destination.

Hue saturation and Color Balance

The trees in the cell phone represent how things can look positive but can take you to places where you might never have thought of which can be negative as you can see the person is giving off different vibes from the bright colors.

I used the color balance and hue saturation to contradict the message that the image is portraying about technology and life. I also used a lightening effect for the last image using a pink color tone.

Lightening Effect

I had a good time creating the second project look compare to the first one because of the vibe that I felt from it. I am proud of myself on how creative I was. I had a lot of fun creating it.

Temporary moments

I was very stressed out about somethings lately. It wasn’t eustress, more like distress. I always let things that matter a lot to me control my emotions. I never thought that speaking about it helps, but my way of looking at it has changed. I learned that speaking to someone is really helpful only if you speak to someone who understands, who cares about you, knows what’s going on, and you have this emotional connection with that person. My sister was that person who gave me a mental and emotional relief. My mind felt more relaxed than it did a few days ago. One thing that caused more problem was that I always speak what’s on my mind and this gets me in a lot of trouble. It’s been like that almost half of my life so I tried changing it. Till today, I have never been able to change it because it’s part of who I am. And I can not change it. However, I can improve it. My honesty makes people hate me. I am that someone who is easy to be hated, harder to love.

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I wanted to help someone, but I didn’t know the healthier way of doing it. So I did the way I could do. I never realized that you can not help someone who does not want to be helped. You can not change someone’s perspective if they are ignorant or have a fixed mindset. The only thing I did was hurt myself more and let it’s negativity impact my mental health. It’s good to give a try, but not to the point that it starts to affect you negatively.

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I am happy. Happier than before. Writing helped me. I appreciate CT101. I am very thankful for taking this class.