It’s been a while since I wrote anything or posted something of my own. I am hoping to start writing again, the way I used to but I am having trouble doing that recently or more like for a year now. Hopefully, I am able to overcome that and start writing again. I am thankful to the Lord for everything and hoping to restore my faith and be better. Taking this time to work on myself, my career, and build a stronger connection with my god. This year has not been a good one, and we all are going through things. Be good to others and yourself. We all make mistakes and it’s okay, but what is important is to learn from it, and not repeat.
Hardships are like clouds
That come and go
It can get really difficult at times
Where you have no hope
You’re tired of trying
You just want to give up
And it’s okay to feel that
There are people out there who have it worse
Battling with their problems
Trying to get through it, some don’t
But always know that
With hardship comes ease
God will never put you through something
That you cannot bear
If God is breaking you, he will heal you too
Just be patient
“You’ll Be Alright” ~ Anonymous
There is this Jungle. It has a lot of branches that are mangled together, you do not know where one starts from and where it ends. Some branches are old worn-out and while some are fresh breathing wounds. Do not step on either, because one can not know if they are healed or not. You might end up opening doors that you did not intend to. They are angry, frustrated, irritated, anxious, mad, & anguished. It’s complicated, you can not even imagine its complexity. if you did then you probably end up with a dead-end. Is there an edge? They do not know yet, but they are looking for it. however, it seems to be hard and continues to torment them as they run, run, run… they feel uneasy, fearful, anxious that there might not be one. How does it feel to be stuck in a forest or trapped in a prison with no end or light? The body is in the jungle but the soul is not there. They start to question their existence, belief, & faith. For how long do they have to continue this? For how long do they have to be patient and understanding? They wish to scream and shout profanities. But they can not. They have to stay quiet, keeping believing that there is an end, be patient, endure, not let a single word out. They have to stay in that jungle, the jungle of past, present, and future failures. They have to worry about the future, constantly. Will they make it to the end of the jungle or not? Will the present drown them in the contstant state of pain? Will they keep dwelling on the past? Will the constant fear, anxiety, pain corrupt them or gnaw them alive?
She has a chaos in her mind. She is not thinking straight. She wishes to disappear, lonely and no one to depend on or to calm her down. That chaos has it’s own rhythm, and it’s her. Can she take it? She is being deteriorated, commotion in her thoughts and feelings, and madness in her eyes. She has a hard time staying hopeful, but she is good at keeping her invisible veil on. Her hatred is growing, rationality is out of her reach, & the line has blurred between who she is and what she is supposed to be. She used to start and never stop, but now she stares because it seems she doesn’t know her own turmoil.
She does not have much to say. Words don’t come, and if they do then there is no sanity to it. She is alone and she is aware of it. She is hated and she knows it. No one seems to pay attention to her, yet she pays attention to her surroundings. She is tired of that too, so she decided that she doesn’t want to be bothered by it. Her own existent feels like a burden.
Did you ever guess why I am titling my post in different languages? I guess not, well let me tell you why. The reason I do that because I want the person who will be reading this post to try to guess what’s the title by just reading it. Or maybe because it looks nice or I find the title pathetic due to its association with her emotions. She came out of the shower, heard her mother speaking to her niece. They were talking about money and how someone said something about how to spend money etc. They did not understand what the person was saying so she decided to explain to her mother because she understood the meaning. She was talking normal, her tone was normal. She was not trying to be rude or say something to hurt her feelings but the moment she opened her mouth to explain to her mother the meaning of it. The mother raised her voice and shouted at her, cursing and looking at her in a disgusting way. She flinched, did not understand why she was getting mad and cursing at her. In her mind, she was just trying to explain the meaning. Her breathing stopped for a few seconds, scared and terrified of her because this one is blunter to previous ones. She felt like crying but she held her emotions and masked it well. The mother turned away from her, so nonchalant as if her saying disgusting things about her daughter did not even stop her for a few minutes to realize the terrible things she said. No regret or guilt, just disgusted expressions. She had at least four dreams or more like nightmares where her own mother tries to kill her, scratch her face, or try to take her eyeballs out and pull her hair. Her mind constantly is in fear, suffocated, angered, and madness in her eyes and thoughts.
The fear is so strong that at some point she started having these terrible dreams. At night, she stares at her mother’s face and imagines her smiling at her in a creepy way and how much she hates her and wants her dead. She was just trying to explain the meaning. However, before she went to shower she was telling a story to her cousins in English about her little brother’s naughty behaviors when he was little. Nothing regarding the mother, but the mother got mad out of nowhere and started shouting at her saying something along the lines “how she spreading shit about her” “she is a donkey” “she does not have a brain or dignity” “she is stupid and does not know how to talk” and curses that I can not translate for her but they are terrible. She goes what are you talking about, I am just telling them a story and it’s not about you. She was very upset, her mood was off. She was embarrassed in front of her little cousins who had to hear her mother curses and say nasty stuff about her like a crazy person. She decided to take a shower hoping for her to calm down. Then, this whole explaining the meaning thing happened. She felt like crying while she was showering but she pushed it at the back of her head. Trying to be strong, once she shouted again after the shower. Tears dropped from her eyes when she was away from everyone. She felt like she was dying from inside like she could not breathing or get enough air. She wanted to disappear or yell at her and tell her that she is wrong and to stop accusing her. However, she knows it’s not going to work so she tries her best to stay quiet. She is tired of everything. Everything is, even more, harder to deal with and manage it. Life became more of a burden to her, its exhausting. I wish I could describe her story in more depth but certain things I can not translate so I tried as much as I can.
I know I know, she is always talking about her depressing life but what do you expect. How can she talk about good things when she barley experiences it. Well whatever that she barely experiences, she will talk about it today. Let’s see, she felt slightly content when she was discussing it with a person about how she is and the type of person she is. She realizes or more like thinks, maybe she is alright and everyone is messed up. Maybe certain people will never understand her, constantly call her names, or she is messed up. You never know. She wonders at what age do you find out if something is wrong with you or it’s just someone else. So many questions and confusion on an unknown journey. Pretty scary to be on a path without knowing the final destination but maybe it’s good to not know in case it’s just as bad as the journey you are experiencing to reach the final destination. Finding out that your final destination is even worse, it’s just even more depressing. It’s not easy. She wrote a bunch of stupid things. Ohh well, that’s what overthinking does to you. Ruins everything, present and future. The hardest part is controlling it.
I am in agony, afflicted by my emotions and constant struggles that I can not even feel the throbbing pain that continues to take its place in my existence. A torture path with so many thorns. I am tormented by my reality, a hidden reality that continues to be hidden. I live in two. One where I wish to be and one where I wish I could integrate it into the other. Every time I hear it, I inhale. I stop breathing for a few seconds because I am afraid I am going to hear the same thing again. I am afraid of entering it, because it has become a pattern. I feel suffocated, I can not breathe, and discomfort by my surrounding. I try to not let the wave drown me but it becomes harder as time passes by. My emotions, my reality, my thoughts, almost everything seems like a burden. It’s burdensome talking about it, burdensome to keep a hope that somebody would want to deal with it. I find myself ridiculous and stupid. Hope just seems exhausting, and an overbearing term for everything. I want to smack her, make her see how pathetic she looks, how she has let them take control over her life and soul, I hate the sound of her pathetic cries, weak, whimpering like a pathetic human being who has nothing more to do than whine about how this set of unit treated her bad. I hate her sound of cries, I wish she would smile and be how she used to be. How hard is it going to be for you to just smile and see you have something to take care of? I am sick of it. I am tired of praying and hoping that one day she will be how she used to be. My heart is aching from so much pain. It’s like it’s going to explode. Tears dropping from my eyes as I write this. How much I wish I don’t ever wake up. I wonder if anyone would care. I wonder if I don’t wake-up, would she be happy that I am finally gone? Probably, will be happy. She already hates my guts. A disease in this household that’s spreading consistently throughout. I wonder how far will it spread before everyone gives up or has it enough.
Hyperventilating, shaking, uncontrollable cries
Sensation of dying, the need to escape
Darkness cloudy my mind, vision, soul, and world
Deterioration of thoughts, emotions, and ruptures
Empty words, empty promises, & liars
Hypocrites, fabricator, & mocker
A beautiful darkness, a hell created by itself
Drowning or dying from thirst?
Burning or dying from starvation?
Shredded hopes and future
Maturity and strength taught by the failures and betrayal’s
Inability to stand in its own existence, feelings, & perspective
Unraveling of self-destructive thoughts, empty dark thoughts
Mangled people are treacherous
Even hell feel like a home
And bitter gourd will start to taste like a sweet, delicious candy.
For them, rather than loving, it’s more difficult to believe.
Masks its emotions like wearing a black veil
Hidden pain with a beautiful smile and strength of an emperor penguins
Silence is beautiful, yet rigorous
A journey like an endless tunnel with no sign of light
Dark path like a blinded person vision
Every breath, every word, every thought, every goal feels like a never-ending battle
Not a choice, but a duty
Not a choice, but a commitment
Not a choice, but an obligation
Not a choice, but a fidelity