спалоханы

Did you ever guess why I am titling my post in different languages? I guess not, well let me tell you why. The reason I do that because I want the person who will be reading this post to try to guess what’s the title by just reading it. Or maybe because it looks nice or I find the title pathetic due to its association with her emotions. She came out of the shower, heard her mother speaking to her niece. They were talking about money and how someone said something about how to spend money etc. They did not understand what the person was saying so she decided to explain to her mother because she understood the meaning. She was talking normal, her tone was normal. She was not trying to be rude or say something to hurt her feelings but the moment she opened her mouth to explain to her mother the meaning of it. The mother raised her voice and shouted at her, cursing and looking at her in a disgusting way. She flinched, did not understand why she was getting mad and cursing at her. In her mind, she was just trying to explain the meaning. Her breathing stopped for a few seconds, scared and terrified of her because this one is more blunt to previous ones. She felt like crying but she held her emotions and masked it well. The mother turned away from her, so nonchalant as if her saying disgusting things about her daughter did not even stop her for a few minutes to realize the terrible things she said. No regret or guilt, just disgusted expressions. She had at least four dreams or more like nightmares where her own mother tries to kill her, scratch her face, or try to take her eyeballs out and pull her hair. Her mind constantly is in fear, suffocated, angered, and madness in her eyes and thoughts. The fear is so strong that at some point she started having these terrible dreams. At night, she stares at her mother’s face and imagines her smiling at her in a creepy way and how much she hates her and wants her dead. She was just trying to explain the meaning. However, before she went to shower she was telling a story to her cousins in English about her little brother’s naughty behaviors when he was little. Nothing regarding the mother, but the mother got mad out of nowhere and started shouting at her saying something along the lines “how she spreading shit about her” “she is a donkey” “she does not have a brain or dignity” “she is stupid and does not know how to talk” and curses that I can not translate for her but they are terrible. She goes what are you talking about, I am just telling them a story and it’s not about you. She was very upset, her mood was off. She was embarrassed in front of her little cousins who had to hear her mother curses and say nasty stuff about her like a crazy person. She decided to take a shower hoping for her to calm down. Then, this whole explaining the meaning thing happened. She felt like crying while she was showering but she pushed it at the back of her head. Trying to be strong, once she shouted again after the shower. Tears dropped from her eyes when she was away from everyone. She felt like she was dying from inside like she could not breathing or get enough air. She wanted to disappear or yell at her and tell her that she is wrong and to stop accusing her. However, she knows it’s not going to work so she tries her best to stay quiet. She is tired of everything. Everything is, even more, harder to deal with and manage it. Life became more of a burden to her, its exhausting. I wish I could describe her story in more depth but certain things I can not translate so I tried as much as I can.

Agonize Over

I know I know, she is always talking about her depressing life but what do you expect. How can she talk about good things when she barley experiences it. Well whatever that she barely experiences, she will talk about it today. Let’s see, she felt slightly content when she was discussing it with a person about how she is and the type of person she is. She realizes or more like thinks, maybe she is alright and everyone is messed up. Maybe certain people will never understand her, constantly call her names, or she is messed up. You never know. She wonders at what age do you find out if something is wrong with you or it’s just someone else. So many questions and confusion on an unknown journey. Pretty scary to be on a path without knowing the final destination but maybe it’s good to not know in case it’s just as bad as the journey you are experiencing to reach the final destination. Finding out that your final destination is even worse, it’s just even more depressing. It’s not easy. She wrote a bunch of stupid things. Ohh well, that’s what overthinking does to you. Ruins everything, present and future. The hardest part is controlling it.

πόνος

I am in agony, afflicted by my emotions and constant struggles that I can not even feel the throbbing pain that continues to take its place in my existence. A torture path with so many thorns. I am tormented by my reality, a hidden reality that continues to be hidden. I live in two. One where I wish to be and one where I wish I could integrate it into the other. Every time I hear it, I inhale. I stop breathing for a few seconds because I am afraid I am going to hear the same thing again. I am afraid of entering it, because it has become a pattern. I feel suffocated, I can not breathe, and discomfort by my surrounding. I try to not let the wave drown me but it becomes harder as time passes by. My emotions, my reality, my thoughts, almost everything seems like a burden. It’s burdensome talking about it, burdensome to keep a hope that somebody would want to deal with it. I find myself ridiculous and stupid. Hope just seems exhausting, and an overbearing term for everything. I want to smack her, make her see how pathetic she looks, how she has let them take control over her life and soul, I hate the sound of her pathetic cries, weak, whimpering like a pathetic human being who has nothing more to do than whine about how this set of unit treated her bad. I hate her sound of cries, I wish she would smile and be how she used to be. How hard is it going to be for you to just smile and see you have something to take care of? I am sick of it. I am tired of praying and hoping that one day she will be how she used to be. My heart is aching from so much pain. It’s like it’s going to explode. Tears dropping from my eyes as I write this. How much I wish I don’t ever wake up. I wonder if anyone would care. I wonder if I don’t wake-up, would she be happy that I am finally gone? Probably, will be happy. She already hates my guts. A disease in this household that’s spreading consistently throughout. I wonder how far will it spread before everyone gives up or has it enough.

ükskõikne, адвольны, און καθαρός

Hyperventilating, shaking, uncontrollable cries

Sensation of dying, the need to escape

Darkness cloudy my mind, vision, soul, and world

Deterioration of thoughts, emotions, and ruptures

Empty words, empty promises, & liars

Hypocrites, fabricator, & mocker

A beautiful darkness, a hell created by itself

Drowning or dying from thirst?

Burning or dying from starvation?

Shredded hopes and future

Maturity and strength taught by the failures and betrayal’s

Inability to stand in its own existence, feelings, & perspective

Unraveling of self-destructive thoughts, empty dark thoughts

Mangled people are treacherous

Even hell feel like a home

And bitter gourd will start to taste like a sweet, delicious candy.

For them, rather than loving, it’s more difficult to believe.

Masks its emotions like wearing a black veil

Hidden pain with a beautiful smile and strength of an emperor penguins

Silence is beautiful, yet rigorous

A journey like an endless tunnel with no sign of light

Dark path like a blinded person vision

Every breath, every word, every thought, every goal feels like a never-ending battle

Not a choice, but a duty

Not a choice, but a commitment

Not a choice, but an obligation

Not a choice, but a fidelity

~Chatty

AfZa 👀

Has walked the same path as me

Smile of a cageless bird

Essence’s of rose petal

Chainless yet tied down

Mature yet childish

Voice of Doubts inside her head

Smart, but lets her insecurities get in the way

Confident yet shy

Few words, but wisdom behind those words

Headstrong yet compliant

Strength in her actions, vulnerability in her emotions

Fearless yet reserved

Sensitive yet resilient

Essence’s of honesty conveyed graciously

Thoughtful and refined attitude

Beauty in her sense of fashion

Aesthetic energy and spirit

In-depth and simplicity

Expressions that speak to you

Calm like waves of ocean

Brings vibes of positivity and aliveness to a life

Shut’s down like a broken wing

Trying to escape the life that’s given but tied by chain’s made of emotions

Simplicity in her words and clothes

Burdened by her feelings but continues to grasp for hope

A canon that will explode anytime

Protective, attentive, and patient

Lost in her own mind like the depth of the ocean

~Chatty

KhAdiJa’s

Carries an ability that plants it seed’s of understanding

Honesty like a bitter gourd

Improves your life like a functional technology

Broken yet brave

Gentle yet strong

A one and only

Resilient at the broken places

A lesson that’s unforgettable and toughest to let go of

Energy that’s worth of time

A language with different version of life

A perspective with courageous and beautiful experiences

A one and only

A flower that’s gentle to touch yet hardest to approach into

Value’s loyalty and faith

Friendship, flaws, non-judgemental

Pure and beautiful secrets that are held sacred

Love like a black rose

A one and only

Smile like a bird in flight

A balm that heals the wounds

A needle that mends the bridges

Silence that’s comfortable to ears and heart

Consistency in promises and warmth in her tone

A one and only

Our relation like no other

Understanding like a floating balloon and waves of the ocean

Trust like a purified liquid

Stubborn like a throbbing thorn

Apologize’s once a year like a full moon arrival

A one and only

~Chatty

Unsure, Uncertainty, and Query

Doubting yourself will only torture you mentally and emotionally, and will start to appear in your physical appearance when it’s enough. Everyone has a limit that should never be crossed because it will only make it worse and might end up at a certain point in life where you do not yourselves anymore or anyone else. Your soul will feel like it’s floating outside of your body. You are there but not really. Uncertainty is the poison that will destroy your future and present decisions. Rifts and misunderstanding in relationships. Always keep a smile but also take a check out meaning let yourselves heal rather than letting it consume you and your entire existence.

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Show some love to yourself and others. Your smile and little things that you say might help make a huge difference in someone’s life. It does not cost any money, just some effort, little caring, the most important one being a human being.

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Important to embrace the present and not to overthink about future. Do not doubts get between you and someone you care about. Your questions will be answered, enjoy the mysterious journey and let yourself relax and breath.

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To let yourself breath, first learn to love yourself. You can not make your whole existence be about someone else until you have created your own. Do not mix it or else it will only destroy you. You are your own person. You have your own life and it does not belong to anyone but only to you. Heal your emotions and forgive. However, do not forget it takes time so do not put pressure on yourselves, if it’s taking forever to let go of the past, forgiving others, and healing yourselves. Start from loving yourselves by giving praises to yourself when you accomplished something or a treat for achieving that you have been trying for so long. It all takes time and there is nothing wrong with that. 🙃

Temporary moments

I was very stressed out about somethings lately. It wasn’t eustress, more like distress. I always let things that matter a lot to me control my emotions. I never thought that speaking about it helps, but my way of looking at it has changed. I learned that speaking to someone is really helpful only if you speak to someone who understands, who cares about you, knows what’s going on, and you have this emotional connection with that person. My sister was that person who gave me a mental and emotional relief. My mind felt more relaxed than it did a few days ago. One thing that caused more problem was that I always speak what’s on my mind and this gets me in a lot of trouble. It’s been like that almost half of my life so I tried changing it. Till today, I have never been able to change it because it’s part of who I am. And I can not change it. However, I can improve it. My honesty makes people hate me. I am that someone who is easy to be hated, harder to love.

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I wanted to help someone, but I didn’t know the healthier way of doing it. So I did the way I could do. I never realized that you can not help someone who does not want to be helped. You can not change someone’s perspective if they are ignorant or have a fixed mindset. The only thing I did was hurt myself more and let it’s negativity impact my mental health. It’s good to give a try, but not to the point that it starts to affect you negatively.

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I am happy. Happier than before. Writing helped me. I appreciate CT101. I am very thankful for taking this class.