I thought I had a writer’s block. I was not being able to write or how to express what I am feeling. Whenever I am on a blank page, no thought runs in my head. It’s just blank. So I kept thinking it was temporary writer’s block and that it will go away and I will be able to write again. But it’s been almost two years and a half and I am still in that mode. No matter how much I am hoping it is temporary and will go away eventually, as time passes by, the more I am losing hope and think maybe something shifted in my mind because of all the stress and emotional trauma. In the past, when I had a blank page I would write so much and my mind used to run like a machine running consistently without a stop. I would have so many ideas, and comparisons, being able to express my real-life experiences on a page but now it feels like a dead end. I am done waiting. I am thankful at times because I am not overthinking or thinking a lot but at the same time, my ability to overthink and express it very clearly is just dead/dry. It feels like my trauma overtook me to the point that it kind of shut it off- as if it cannot handle it. I do not feel the need to explain, to put extra effort into relations or plans but rather focus on myself and prioritize my mental being and self. People no longer are more important than me, myself, and I. I am important. My mental health is important. Building myself is a priority. My family is a priority. My self-work is a priority. Nobody ever put in that extra effort to make me feel otherwise the way I have been doing. So why should I? I will be the best version of myself mentally and physically. I love me. God loves me. It does not matter if people love me or even like me as long as I do and that is enough.

Early in the morning I still get a little bit nervous
Fightin’ my anxiety constantly, I try to control it
Even when I know it’s been forever I can still feel the spin
Hurts when I remember and I never wanna feel it againDon’t know if you get it ’cause I can’t express how thankful I am
That you were always with me when it hurts, I know that you’d understandI don’t wanna lose control
Nothing I can do anymore
Tryin’ every day when I hold my breath
Spinnin’ out in space pressing on my chest
I don’t wanna lose controlSometimes I still think it’s coming but I know it’s not
Tryin’ to breathe in and then out but the air gets caught
‘Cause even though I’m older now and I know how to shake off the past
I wouldn’t have made it if I didn’t have you holding my handI don’t wanna lose control
Nothing I can do anymore
Tryin’ every day when I hold my breath
Spinnin’ out in space pressing on my chest
I don’t wanna lose controlI need you to know, I would never be this strong without you 
You’ve seen how I’ve grown, you took all my doubts, ’cause you were homeI don’t wanna lose control
There’s nothing I can do anymoreI don’t wanna lose control, oh-oh-oh-oh
Nothing I can do anymore (anymore), anymore
Tryin’ every day when I hold my breath
Spinnin’ out in space pressing on my chest
I don’t wanna lose control

~ZOE WEES

Sometimes I see things, and I hear them, my brain can’t comprehend and my heart is disturbed; it breaks apart, and I wish I could do something about it, but I know that the only thing I can do is be patient and make dua (pray) that for it to get better and for God to guide them to the right path. The misogyny, patriarchy, negativity, and lack of women empowerment in certain societies and cultures, encouraged by women themselves, surprises me every time I see it and hear it. I wish I did not live in this world, there are people in this world who believe this is their heaven and that this world is beautiful, but I believe that the world was beautiful, but it has become ugly and cruel. Humans are complex creatures with very cunning and shrewd brains. Destroying things that we do not understand, not similar to us, different, unique, at different pace levels, exploiting the innocent and naive, manipulating, blackmailing, abusing their superiority, abusing animals, abusing nature, murdering, raping… Yet, some people want to live in this world and believe this is their paradise. It only takes one fear to destroy multiples lives. To me, this is hell made by humans. An Illusion. Some humans beings lack understanding, empathy, sympathy, humanity, respect, and love. Hearing my own mother calling me an animal, someone with no brain, an idiot, a donkey, and other things because I said what our religion teaches and that she follows people rather than her lord. That she fears what people are going to say and the importance of reputation; while being ignorant to the teaching of Islam and claiming to be a Muslim when she does not follow what she claims to be. If our God can forgive us for every mistake or sin we commit, then why is it so hard for us to forgive other people? We are so far blinded by our cultural beliefs that we do not see our own mistakes, the things we say to others, our behaviors, actions, etc. Why do we claim to love someone, but if they were to make one mistake, we throw them out from our lives as if they do not matter at all? If we can do that, then do we really care about them, or is it just to show off? Why have we become so strong in our beliefs and biases that we do not see the crying sounds of children? The anger and hate running through our veins, heart, and mind glaring through our eyes. The thirst for more power, authority, and superiority. The smell of burning bodies, the realm of abused victims, hungry eyes, the homeless, starved and exploited minority groups, echos of crying in empty alleys, cry for help, for mercy, for humanity, the voice in our head clawing for to be understood, listened and not judged. How ignorant and inhumane have we become? We are so blinded by rage, self-interest, and beliefs that we have forgotten how to be just human beings. There is an abundance of toxicity in Desi culture. We disregard people’s feelings, belittle indirect insults, taunting, not acknowledging marital rape, gender inequalities referring to females’ cerebral abilities rather than their physical strength. Is it too much to ask? To be treated like a human being, not like a female, and not belittled. For our virginity or purity to be not the only things deciding our character, self-respect, self-dignity, to be treated with respect, and not called whore or a slut. To be given the same opportunity as any other gender. Men are not the only ones preventing or inhibiting women from being perceived as equal in the sense of cerebral abilities, but women themselves are the biggest bullies of themselves and others. This is very common in desi cultures, from a personal point of view. Although it might not be for everyone, it is for some whether you disagree or agree. I am that some. “Using reputation, and what other people might say” as an excuse, has led to a lot of haram things to take place. Like forced marriage, abusive marriage, abusive household, marital rape, feeling obligated to please the man sexually, feeling dirty, that pleasure is only for men and not women, sexual abuse, domestic abuse, and verbal abuse. People who defend these avoid confrontations and support this; they are just like the abuser. If someone makes you uncomfortable, then return the favor; we are making it too comfortable for others. Make them uncomfortable and encourage confrontation regarding these matters.

It’s been a while since I wrote anything or posted something of my own. I am hoping to start writing again, the way I used to but I am having trouble doing that recently or more like for a year now. Hopefully, I am able to overcome that and start writing again. I am thankful to the Lord for everything and hoping to restore my faith and be better. Taking this time to work on myself, my career, and build a stronger connection with my god. This year has not been a good one, and we all are going through things. Be good to others and yourself. We all make mistakes and it’s okay, but what is important is to learn from it, and not repeat.

She has a chaos in her mind. She is not thinking straight. She wishes to disappear, lonely and no one to depend on or to calm her down. That chaos has it’s own rhythm, and it’s her. Can she take it? She is being deteriorated, commotion in her thoughts and feelings, and madness in her eyes. She has a hard time staying hopeful, but she is good at keeping her invisible veil on. Her hatred is growing, rationality is out of her reach, & the line has blurred between who she is and what she is supposed to be. She used to start and never stop, but now she stares because it seems she doesn’t know her own turmoil.

She does not have much to say. Words don’t come, and if they do then there is no sanity to it. She is alone and she is aware of it. She is hated and she knows it. No one seems to pay attention to her, yet she pays attention to her surroundings. She is tired of that too, so she decided that she doesn’t want to be bothered by it. Her own existent feels like a burden.

~Chatty