πόνος

I am in agony, afflicted by my emotions and constant struggles that I can not even feel the throbbing pain that continues to take its place in my existence. A torture path with so many thorns. I am tormented by my reality, a hidden reality that continues to be hidden. I live in two. One where I wish to be and one where I wish I could integrate it into the other. Every time I hear it, I inhale. I stop breathing for a few seconds because I am afraid I am going to hear the same thing again. I am afraid of entering it, because it has become a pattern. I feel suffocated, I can not breathe, and discomfort by my surrounding. I try to not let the wave drown me but it becomes harder as time passes by. My emotions, my reality, my thoughts, almost everything seems like a burden. It’s burdensome talking about it, burdensome to keep a hope that somebody would want to deal with it. I find myself ridiculous and stupid. Hope just seems exhausting, and an overbearing term for everything. I want to smack her, make her see how pathetic she looks, how she has let them take control over her life and soul, I hate the sound of her pathetic cries, weak, whimpering like a pathetic human being who has nothing more to do than whine about how this set of unit treated her bad. I hate her sound of cries, I wish she would smile and be how she used to be. How hard is it going to be for you to just smile and see you have something to take care of? I am sick of it. I am tired of praying and hoping that one day she will be how she used to be. My heart is aching from so much pain. It’s like it’s going to explode. Tears dropping from my eyes as I write this. How much I wish I don’t ever wake up. I wonder if anyone would care. I wonder if I don’t wake-up, would she be happy that I am finally gone? Probably, will be happy. She already hates my guts. A disease in this household that’s spreading consistently throughout. I wonder how far will it spread before everyone gives up or has it enough.

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